Three things you can do if your child’s friends bother you

You’re not going to like all of your child’s friends, and sooner or later your child will bring home a friend that you just don’t like.

Maybe they are rude, overconfident, or have a habit of helping themselves to snacks without asking. Or maybe it goes deeper than that and you feel like they bring out the worst in your child.

It’s easy to simply tell your child that they can’t go out with a friend, but that often won’t solve the problem.

Parenting coach Sue Atkins and comedian Ria Lina, a mother of four, share three ways to deal with this without scaring your own child away.

Is it something serious like disrespect, bullying, or risky behavior, or is it just that the child is bothering you?

Atkins says it’s worth doing a little self-assessment before reacting, as it’s important to separate what’s annoying from what’s harmful.

If it’s a genuine risk, such as dangerous behavior or bullying, then it’s time to intervene more firmly, but if the problem is something like manners, you can model the behavior you want to see.

This is something Lina, whose comedy often deals with the trials and tribulations of raising four children, often does.

“When a child is in my care, they follow my rules,” she explains.

“I tell my children not to put their feet on the bus seats and if other children in my care do the same, I will tell them to remove them too.”

Lina says that the reason you don’t like your children’s friends is usually due to a “clash of values” with other parents.

“I’ve had moments where I thought, This kid makes mine worse, but often it’s not really that kid’s fault.

“For example, I don’t allow gun play at home at all, no finger guns or playing with toy guns, but a lot of kids do and that caused tension when I told my kids they couldn’t participate.”

Sometimes talking to the child’s parents can help find a middle ground that both parents are happy with, she says.

The worst thing you can do is simply forbid your child from seeing a friend, because “you’re not helping your child make better friendships or explaining why you can’t spend time with that child,” Atkins says.

Being too harsh can “backfire and your child will probably hang out with that friend more just to spite you.”

You should ask your child why he likes that friend, what do you have in common? What do you like to do together?

Hearing them share this doesn’t mean you approve of their friendship, but it helps build trust between you.

“When you speak, choose your moment carefully,” says Atkins. “Watch your tone and body language because if you become aggressive or critical, they will shut down.

“What we want is to build bridges, not walls.”

Lina says it’s important to tell your child that “you don’t approve of a particular behavior and you don’t want him to copy it,” she adds.

“That way you don’t stop the friendship or prohibit the interaction, but rather you draw a line about what shouldn’t be repeated or endorsed.”

If your child seems trapped in a friendship that makes him uncomfortable, subtly expand his social world.

“Introduce other friends into the mix,” suggests Atkins. “Invite your cousins, have them join a sports club or try after-school activities, anything that will help them meet new people.”

It’s also important to remember that not all friendships last forever and children often go through phases, so it’s best to see how the friendship changes over a few weeks or months before intervening.

“Sometimes it’s just a friend on summer vacation or it’s a teenager trying to mess with you,” Atkins says.

The best thing you can do is model the type of friendships you hope your child will form.

Talking to them about their own relationships can show your child what respect, kindness, and healthy boundaries look like, and in turn, they’ll be more likely to emulate them.