Sex Schedules and Other People: How I Keep My Relationship Alive

Between deadlines, school races, and the constant “what’s for dinner?” chat, even the best relationships can start running on autopilot.

It doesn’t mean that the spark is gone or that you have stopped loving your partner, but rather that life has gotten in the way.

Writer Nell Frizzell knows this well: after 10 years with her partner and two young children, she admits that she no longer has as much time or energy for her husband as she once did.

“I know they tell us to focus on quality time, physical touch, and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes, but I’m actually yelling at my husband to turn his balls off.”

Frizzell says he is at a “critical point” in his life.

Your time, your body, and your attention are directed in all directions: raising your children, caring for your aging parents, running the house, and working, all at the same time.

“And within all that, where do you have time to look someone in the eye and tell them you’re wonderful?” she asks.

But Frizzell has discovered something that helps keep their relationship connection alive, something she calls a “third energy.”

Not in the bedroom, he laughs, but at the table.

“If we go away, we go with another family and if we go out to dinner, I love having friends there,” he explains.

It’s a surprisingly simple idea, but Frizzell says having dinner with another couple, friends, or family really works, as the presence of other people naturally changes the dynamic.

She says that sometimes a date night “where you’re sitting across the table from the person you live with and trying to think of something new to say” can be intense, so another person can help start a new conversation or a new perspective.

Frizzell says, “I find him incredibly attractive when we’re with people we don’t see all the time, as they ask him questions I wouldn’t think to ask him or tell him things I wouldn’t tell him.”

Psychotherapist Susanna Abse says a little space and variety can be vital to a successful relationship.

“Couples may end up moving around each other but avoiding actual contact,” he says.

Paying real attention to your partner can make a big difference.

“Instead of going downstairs in the morning and carrying on with a million household tasks, see what state your partner is in.”

Abse recommends asking them questions like how they are feeling or what their day is like, since “curiosity is key.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Amani Milligan says spending quality time together is also important.

That’s not a big gesture, and Dr. Milligan says it can be as simple as taking a random Thursday off to work together or setting rules like no phones before bed so you can catch up on each other’s days.

Relationships can come with endless distractions, from emails and phone notifications to endless piles of laundry or dishes that need to be sorted.

Abse says electronic devices can cause couples to distance themselves further.

“Protest if your partner is on the phone all the time and set some rules that you can both agree to.”

It’s almost impossible to talk about keeping love alive without mentioning physical intimacy, and Frizzell swears by scheduling it.

“It may seem administrative to say ‘this is when we’ll have sex,’ but with young children it’s absolutely key and something we look forward to.”

Abse agrees with that practical approach, saying that if you’re not having sex “you have to recognize the risk” if you’re both unhappy with the arrangement since “affairs often arise from unmet needs.”

When we’re short on time or have a lot to do, sex can be one of the first things to go, but Abse says you should try to “allow yourself to be persuadable.”

“You don’t go to bed feeling very sexual, but maybe with attention from your partner that could change.”

Focusing more on each other and seeing their partner again has improved Frizzell’s relationship.

The last lesson you have learned is that it is important to keep a little mystery from each other.

“Close the bathroom door and spread out a little; of course have a joint project, but that shouldn’t be going to the bathroom,” he laughs.